Fucking Unicorns

I was suddenly single again and my younger brother had come to help me move my stuff from the home I had shared with my now ex-lover to a one-bedroom apartment in a different neighborhood. He was driving and we were having one of the few and far between conversations that we’ve shared about feelings and identity. I was surprised when he asked, “But who are you going to date? It must be hard to date lesbians and be a guy”. I was struck and touched by both his caring and his insightfulness. In my best big brother/sister/genderqueer sibling voice I threw out , “Don’t worry, there’s lots of people who want to date me”. But he had touched on a fear that I harbor even when I’m feeling my best. Three decades of social conditioning is a hard thing to overcome. Who wants to fuck a unicorn?

The trans folks in my life conceptualize their sexual attraction in many creative ways. After all when you fuck with the gender binary you are also fucking with our reliable LGB acronym. If you’re a female bodied genderqueer transman who is attracted to lesbians, what is your sexual orientation? Suddenly sex and love and relationships and dating become complicated in a whole new way. One friend I have has labeled trans sex Rocket Ship sex. There’s a logo and everything. Recently I’ve been thinking about Unicorns.

My conceptualization of Unicorn sex has been greatly influenced by my new lover, who has taught me that Unicorns can come in all sorts of shapes sizes and genders. This morning as we took an urban morning walk with her dog, two well-meaning guys nodded in our direction and said, “Good morning ladies”. Just a block before, I had exchanged a manly hello with a passerby. Within one hundred feet we had gone from being a heterosexual couple to a lesbian couple as I had gone from being read as a man to being read as a woman. I like to think that both times we were also clearly a queer couple, but who knows what other people see. Seriously though, what’s more magical than changing your gender and sexual orientation just by taking a walk in the city? Unicorns.

Unicorns are fantastical creatures that exist only in legend. They posses properties unknown in today’s world, but also realistic enough to easily imagine them as part of our landscape. Lots of animals have horns? Why not just one single one? Many animals have become extinct, why not the Unicorn? Unicorns are rare. They are also beautiful. They embody magic and mystery. They are also strong. And often alone.

As my lover and I walked away and continued on our morning adventure I thought about what I saw when I looked in the mirror at us. Two unicorns. Finding their way, unafraid of their own beauty, embodying their own power, queering the streets of the city one block at a time. Leaving a little magic behind.

Artwork from www.threadless.com

“Hmmm, Right Now I’m Having Sex…”

Ok, so not RIGHT now. But recently – and combo of sex and mindfulness was pretty awesome.

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately thinking about mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of being in the moment, right here, right now.  For example, I’m aware of the feeling of the keys under my fingers and the music coming out of the speakers.  What I’m not doing is making a grocery list in my head, thinking about what I’m going to do next, or worrying about how things went this morning.  Those things are about Before and Later, but not Now.

Sometimes I love practicing mindfulness.  For example, walking to work in the morning I like to look at the sky and how beautiful it is and just focus on that.  But sometimes, I really don’t want to be in this moment.  Tired at the end of a work day on crowded public transit – I’d rather check out.  We all do lots of things to check out, for example television is in essence checking out.  We’re not engaged mentally, physically, or spiritually with other people -  instead we’re passive, taking in and checking out.  This isn’t to say that all checking out is bad, it’s not.  And neither is all TV. But it was really shocking to me, when I started paying attention to when I was and when I wasn’t being mindful, how often during a day I’m checked out.

Which brings me to sex.  Everyone has a whole mess of feelings, thoughts, predictions, concerns, and expectations around sex.  It’s supposed to be like _______.  Go on, fill in the blank. Even us queers who aren’t part of that mainstream heterosexist GQ and Bridezilla world have our own assumptions of what sex should be. Most recently, while perusing transguys.com, I noticed guys letting other guys know that they’re not supposed to post for dates on women seeking women.  Sex isn’t supposed to be like that. You’re not really trans if…..

Even if we can’t agree on what trans sex is supposed to be, we all hold our own interpretation tightly and sometimes we don’t even know it. I am not immune.  My sex life is supposed to be great.  Since I’m a sexologist it’s supposed to be fantastic, perfect, and happen often. And when it isn’t or it doesn’t not only am I cranky but then carry all my messy expectations into the bedroom/car/floor/bathroom/kitchen with me.  It’s amazing how much baggage we can carry around even with our pants off.

Trans folks also often carry with them shame about their bodies. Maybe we don’t want to be there during sex.  Maybe we can only get off if we imagine we’re someone else or that our bodies are different than they really are.  And that’s ok.  Mindfulness during sex isn’t for everyone.  In fact, I don’t think there’s one good way to have fantastic sex, it’s about what works for you. But what would happen if we went into sex without our usual expectations? What would we see?  What would we notice?

During my own recent foray into sex and mindfulness, I noticed that I might not be able to “leave my baggage at the door,”  but that my baggage didn’t seem to matter as much when I was focused on how our queer bodies found each other in that moment.

Bodies and Bits

Bodies are always complicated. For trans folks this is no exception.

Sex is often complicated.  This is true for lots of trans folks.

Bodies and sex? Well…for some people that combo is a no-go. If you hate your body fully clothed you’re sure as hell not going to be excited to share it with another person. Except for the people that sure as hell are. And sometimes, there’s a rule, an unspoken rule about how trans folks are supposed to act when it comes to sex.  What they’re supposed to like.

In some communities the rule for masculine trans folks is stone. You’re not gonna let anyone up inside you. No sir (or Sir, or Ma’am, or ma’am). Cause if you like to take it in your girl bits, you are not a real transman.  Sound famliar? Transguys have to cope with and sift through the same mascluine stereotypes as every other person who identifies with the masculine.

In some communities the T guys are supposed to be super horny, doing everything in sight. And if you’re not, dude you’re so not a real T-man. Feminine trans folks have history of sexualization to color all of their own personal wants, desires, and fantasies. Being your own woman is no small feat and for trans women this is especially true.

And now we’ve strayed so very far from the amazing pleasure and eroticism that sex can hold. But what if sex had no shoulds? And what if it wasn’t always tied so closely to gender identity? Where would we be without school girl/teacher or daddy/boy fantasies? Two people fucking. Or three. Making love. Doing it. And enjoying themselves. Maybe.