Humiliation during sex play can be really really hot.
Humiliation on a trans listserve about sex – not so hot.
I recently posted to said list serve about being a fag in a relationship with a femme. I wanted to hear form other guys out there who have similar experiences with their identity. What I got instead is a shit load of “trans-enough” except it was masquerading as “man-enough.”
That’s not fair, I did also get a couple of very nurturing responses from guys who are part of the leather and gay communities. And then a response questioning my gender identity as a transman, my membership in the trans-masculine community, and accusing me of making trans guys with stealth identities look bad.
Two things happened when I read this post, and both of them were un-expected. The first thing was that I didn’t take it personally. As someone who doesn’t fit in, I’ve gotten attacked in this way before. From the very beginning of my trans identity I didn’t feel included or supported in spaces that I thought would be friendly. Usually this reaction was one of great sadness and anger and not a little bit of self degradation. This is the first time I’ve read such a post and been able to take a breathe without pausing to “recover.”
The second thing that happened is that I thought about the Eliason model of lesbian identity development. Before I lose you in academia babble let me briefly explain the part that i think is important. Michelle Eliason’s model includes in identity development the impact of living with an identity that causes a person to experience oppression. Each identity has under it other identities that have less privilege. Each identity is “trying” to achieve the privilege of a mainstream identity – the act of which pushes others in that identity further down the ladder and causes them to expression oppression even within their own community. Think about how leather folks are often not included or asked to “tone down” their appearance in gay pride marches. Gay people of power (often white gay males) don’t want other gay’s to make them “look bad”, aka look less mainstream.
One of the things I see happening in “trans-enough” conversations is people who hold power in trans communities trying to hold onto that power. There is rarely a discussion of how this action oppresses or disenfranchises other trans folks. And it’s a great reminder that there are all kinds of trans folks, just like everyone else. Some share a passion for social justice, and for some it’s not on their radar.
There’s another piece here about seeing gender as binary and fixed which I’ll save for another post.
(Pic from flickr.com/photos/thisnik/2265851465/)
